How to Really Conquer Loneliness

“I found myself in crowded rooms feeling so alone” Madonna, Drowned World/Substitute for Love

Loneliness can sneak up on one unexpectedly. We all go through times of loneliness. Change is a constant; relationships end, loved ones die, kids move out, neighbours move away, we relocate for work, retirement beckons or we simply change and realise the people around us have a stubbornly negative attitude to life and it’s now uncomfortable to be with them.

Many of us experience loneliness across all ages. The BBC reports that 33% of Britons aged 16 to 29 said they feel lonely "often, always or some of the time" - the highest of all age groups (17% of over-70s experience the same). Read the full article here – The surprising truth about the generations that suffer loneliness the most.

We are social animals, and we do better together. We all have instinctive fears about rejection, abandonment, loss, disease and death. There’s a good reason for that, we literally need other humans to share love and warmth with, and for skill-swapping etc, and we’re wired to be survival-motivated. We judge ourselves harshly for our aloneness, however, and so we want to hide it from others. Feeling it carries shame, like it’s an airborne disease, we might imagine people can smell it on us. Nothing shameful about needing to give and receive love.

What to do?

Here’s my perspective: focus on cultivating your relationship with you - the quality of self-love will be reflected in the people we spend time with. We can be our own best friend, and I feel it’s essential in order to attract quality relationships with others. Take yourself out on dates, do what brings you joy.

Don’t suppress, avoid or deny your feelings of loneliness. What we resist, persists. Acknowledge your feelings to yourself. ‘Yes, I feel lonely’. Acknowledgment isn’t wallowing, this is about self-honesty.

Rekindle interests and hobbies, or try new things. This is a great way to meet people you’re likely to have something in common with. Do some charity work, attend workshops, exercise classes, retreats, holidays for singles, or in-person courses, whatever appeals. Or set up your own local group. Go simply for the enjoyment of the activity, and let conversation about your shared experiences unfold naturally with new people.

Eventbrite reports an increase in popularity of soft socialising events, so not networking as such but activity-centered gatherings allowing people space to engage as much or as little as they like.

In preparation for meeting new people we can remember how powerful our words are so why not try internally beaming this affirmation: ‘I am lovable and I am available for authentic connection, joy, support and love with others.’

If your health makes going out difficult can you open your home to an animal friend, or reach out to old or physically distant friends and have more regular contact by phone?

What would your advice be to someone who is lonely? How have you recovered from bouts of unwelcome solitude?

Both Kinesiology and PSYCH-K with me can help you release/process the grief and pain of loneliness, cultivate self-love and activate the desire, courage and will to try new things. You can reach me by email, text or through this website to book in with me.